You are watching: Why you do the things you do
Tim Clinton, Ed.D, LPC, LMFT, is president of the American association of Christian Counselors. He is professor the Counseling and also Pastoral treatment at Liberty University and is executive director the the Liberty University center for Counseling and also Family Studies.Read more
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Names and details in the case studies and also anecdotes contained in this volume have actually been adjusted to defend the identities of those involved. Some examples are composites of really cases.
Why You execute the things You do is a revised version of Attachments.
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Library of congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Clinton, Timothy E., 1960–
Why you execute the points you execute / by Tim Clinton and also Gary Sibcy.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
1. Interpersonal relations—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Sibcy, Gary.
BV4597.52 .C55 2002
2002027370Information about External Hyperlinks in this ebook Please keep in mind that footnotes in this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external websites as component of bibliographic citations. This hyperlinks have actually not been caused by the publisher, that cannot verify the accuracy of these links past the day of publication. Dedication
Tim: To the ones for whom mine love knows no bounds: Julie and also our children—Megan and also Zachary. You lug such joy to my life.
And come my higher family, both the Clintons and also the Rothmanns.
Gary: To Lory and also our children, Jacob and also Jordan, the family members I love most deeply, and to my father, Gary Sibcy Sr., with love and also respect.Contents
Foreword: The secret to Loving and also Being love by Stormie Omartian
PART I: relationships ARE whatever
1. The love of the Matter: relationship in everyday Living
Why You execute the points You carry out
2. Shaping Our see of Ourselves and also Those We organize Dearest
Dynamics of healthy and balanced Relationships
3. Heart Wounds
How Injuries come the Heart occur
4. Fitted to challenge Challenges and also Take dangers
The certain Relationship layout
5. The Hardened heart
The Avoidant Relationship format
6. Don’t Abandon Me!
The Ambivalent Relationship layout
7. The Grass Is constantly Dead on Both political parties of the Fence
The Disorganized Relationship layout
PART II: UNLOCKING THE keys
TO LOVING and also LASTING relationship
8. God and also You
Embracing the partnership That Transcends all Others
with George Ohlschlager
9. Taming emotionally Storms
Conquering Depression, Anxiety, Anger, and also Grief
10. Love, Sex, and also Marriage
Working the end Our many Intimate relationship
with Sharon Hart Morris, Ph.D.
11. Parenting Secure youngsters
How to it is in a Sensitive, Secure parent to Your children
12. Breaking for free!
A Prescription because that Making transforms That cure
Select BibliographyFOREWORD The an enig to Loving and also Being love
I know what it is choose to feeling unloved and also have no emotional link to the human being who are an alleged to be the most crucial ones in your life. That’s since I spent a far-ranging portion the my beforehand childhood locked in a closet by my mentally okay mother. Mine dad to be gone a lot, and also when he was home, he to be exhausted and barely there.
Because the the problem of my primary relationships, I never felt loved or connected to an additional person in any relationship. At least not until I got the Lord. Then i started analysis the Bible and learning around God and His ways. I involved see the He is a God who loves us more than we can imagine. Ns was amazing to find out that the loves also me. And although i had constantly lived with fear, depression, loneliness, and also anxiety, god’s love was an effective enough to penetrate my brokenness and take all those negative emotions away. Oh my gosh love made me right into a totality person.
As I obtained to know my heavenly Father far better and better, i learned the we will certainly never be able to find any kind of degree the wholeness in our resides without His love. That is the air the keeps united state breathing. We have to have the ability to take it in, and also we need to know exactly how to give it out together well. And also we can much better do both those important things once we recognize why we carry out what us do.
That’s what this book will help you come do. Just how I wish that ago in those early years I had actually had a publication like Why You carry out the things You perform to aid me recognize why i did the points I go in my relationships and learn the an enig to loving and being loved.
If you have come the end of a painful, damaging, or traumatic past; if you have experienced too plenty of empty, broken, or unfulfilling relationships; if friend are worn down of feeling unloved, disconnected, or lonely; then you are going to love reading this book. It will aid you affix with the true Lover of her soul. It will aid you suffer the love and closeness you desire to feel. It will certainly teach you just how to discover loving, fulfilling, rich, and satisfying relationships. Analysis this book will be a refreshing, encouraging, enlightening, comforting, and life-transforming experience. Over there is healing within its hope-filled pages. That in the civilization doesn’t need that?
EVERYTHING1 THE heart OF THE MATTER: RELATIONSHIPS IN everyday LIVING Why You perform the points You execute
Anyone that goes too much alone . . . Go mad.
Where have you been? Sandra’s voice to be harsh and also accusing. Execute you have any kind of idea exactly how late friend are?"
A thirty-four-year-old mother of two, Sandra had actually bright blue eyes and also brown, emphasize hair. She to be wearing her new bathing suit and a glowing floral cover-up as she scolded her husband, Mike, that stood framed in the hotel-room doorway, his expression both take away aback and laced v weariness. Had they been at home in Virginia, the would have actually expected to be accosted in ~ the door like this; here, though, he had actually expected a truce.
You see, he and Sandra to be in Hawaii—a perk the Mike’s success. What’s more, it was February, and much the America was locked in ice and snow. Virginia had actually been pitched right into a deep freeze, cursed through unusually icy temperatures and whipped by nail-sharp winds. Had he thought it would make a difference, Mike would have actually pointed out—again—that castle were lacking all that and that the human being they to be in to be perfumed by orchids, hibiscus, and also royal tuberoses, fragrances brought along through warm, balmy sea breezes.
They to be at a luxury hotel on Poipu Beach, Kauai, one island Mike loved. He to be a computer systems technician who’d determined a decade previously to walk into computer system sales—and that was an excellent at it. Every year due to the fact that then, he’d made his numbers, and Sandra had actually accompanied him on among these award trips. Critical year it had actually been a mainly in Cancun, the year before some will in the Dominican Republic, and next year—according to the rumors—a seven-day Caribbean cruise.
Why no she happy? Mike wonder incredulously. How can she no be happy in Hawaii? The place even smells happy.
Sandra herself believed she must be happy on she vacation. But she wasn’t. And also the much longer she’d waited because that Mike, the less happy she’d become—and the angrier. After all, what great was the to it is in in a place like Kauai and spend it alone? Well, okay, she wasn’t constantly alone, but she might too be. Choose this morning, as soon as they were booked to go snorkeling. A watercraft was leaving in less than fifteen minutes. And only currently did Mike display up. And also he knew exactly how much she love to snorkel. The very first time she’d gone was nearly six years back when the award pilgrimage was to the Virgin Islands. Because then, snorkeling, once offered, had been the to mark of the trips because that her. And he’d ignored all that and been late— as well late because that them come go. Why? because of a stupid meeting. A hastily dubbed thing the had already interrupted their lanai breakfast buffet and now threatened to destroy not only her afternoon however her entirety Hawaii experience.
Mike recoiled. It’s no my fault.
Sure, it’s her fault, Sandra fired back, turning her back on him and also stalking ago into the room. "It’s definitely not my fault."
It’s nobody’s fault, Mike deflected. It was a meeting. Crucial meeting. Very important, actually.
You know exactly how I like snorkeling through you. It offers us a opportunity to do something together. Then her voice rotate bitter. But I should have known you’d placed your conference first.
My boss wanted to talk to me. It was important.
Important, she spat. Those important around you and the men swapping computer-sales battle stories roughly the silver- coffee urn? actual important.
There room rumors the agency might it is in sold, Mike volleyed.
There are constantly rumors, Sandra said. And you’re always doing this come me. Placing me second, third, or 4th to everything else. They wouldn’t fire girlfriend if you had gained up and also left. You can hear around your silly rumors tonight at dinner. Yet you determined coffee over me.
Coffee? Is the what friend think ns do? It’s that meeting and also a bunch much more like that that gained us here. Anyway, the said, taking a action or 2 away indigenous her, his ton withdrawing into a don’t-hurt-me-again place, we can still go.
No, us can’t.
Sure us can. With the meeting going therefore long, they delay the departure.
It no matter.
Doesn’t matter? that shook his head. Of course it wouldn’t matter to you. It never ever matters exactly how much I carry out for you. Look around you. You in Kauai, because that cryin’ the end loud. Flowers. Girlfriend love flowers. The location stinks the flowers. You recognize what you are? you an ingrate.
An ingrate? She stepped towards him aggressively. I have to be grateful that you damaged our work together?
Mike expelled a huge, accusing jet that air with his tightly attracted lips. Ns done. If friend don’t desire to go, us won’t go. It’s better anyway. Mike got hold of a folder native the open up briefcase top top his bedside table. Ns chairing a meeting in the morning. I need to gain ready for it.
Another meeting? Why’d you bring me in the very first place?
He just waved a dismissive hand and stomped into the bathroom. The closed the door simply as she stepped up to it. The door nearly hit her.
I can’t think it. Did you do it deserted me again. The first night us were here, friend left me waiting for friend in the hotel lobby. And today girlfriend left me waiting in this room, wait for what I assumed would it is in time because that the two of us.
Go snorkeling through yourself, he called through the door.
No, Sandra cried to the door. I’m also angry. Too hurt.
Do what girlfriend want. I’m going come the Jacuzzi.
I might be one ingrate, she said, falling versus the door. Yet you’re an abuser. You obtain my hopes up and also then you dash them. Girlfriend smash them come smithereens. She cruel—cruel and insensitive. She took a deep breath as if loading her emotional guns. You’re as with your father.
In the bathroom Mike to be stepping right into his shower suit. The prompt he heard those words, the felt Sandra’s emotional fist ask itself in his stomach. Pulling up his swim trunks, that all yet fell against the marble counter, thinking, Relationships simply don’t work. Women simply don’t make sense, so how deserve to you figure them out? No matter how difficult you try to please them, nothing works. No wonder Dad left Mom. Mommy drove him crazy just like Sandra’s driving me crazy. Nothing could please Mom, and also nothing pleases Sandra.
The organization papers clutched in his hand favor a lifeline, Mike grabbed a towel through his other hand and tossed it over his shoulder. Climate he stepped native the bathroom come the hotel-room door.
That’s the means it always is, isn’t it? Sandra fired her final shot as Mike opened up the door. Girlfriend go her way; i go mine. Ns think you gain deserting me.HISTORY REPEATS itself
Did you know that as many as 40 come 50 percent of today’s marriages end in the brokenness the divorce? marriages conceived in love and also blessed in heaven construct severe fissures and begin to crumble. Sadly, that’s to be Mike and also Sandra’s experience—and probably your very own as well. Have actually you ever before felt betrayed and also abandoned together Sandra does? Or feeling battered and, prefer Mike, withdrawn into yourself? Or have you and also the one friend love had actually a hit that’s to be left unresolved, leaving you and also the other person emotionally more apart 보다 ever?
Mike and Sandra’s trouble in sky reminds us of problem in Paradise through a capital P. Remember Adam wandering about the Garden the Eden through himself? God witnessed that it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Therefore He caused a deep sleep to loss on Adam, and also then He gave Adam someone he can relate to—a woman, Eve. Later on God would offer Adam and also Eve other people to relate to— your children. Clearly, God produced us to be in connection with other people and also with Him. Yet maintaining and nurturing our relationships—that’s the tricky thing.
Hardwired for intimacy—just as you and also I are—Adam and also Eve had a perfect connection . . . For a while. But even in Paradise things went wrong. Evil lurked. Satan tempted. Eve little the apple. Adam caved in. Soon they to be blaming each other. Their formerly easy intimacy was no longer easy in ~ all—and this was before their youngsters arrived on the scene, entangling them in an entirely different collection of relational challenges.
And isn’t this precisely what wake up today? ours relationships start out for this reason beautifully, and also the next thing we understand we’re hurting or being hurt by those approximately us, especially the ones we love the most. Why go this happen? What space we contributing to the pain? Why, in our relationships, execute we carry out the unhelpful points we do? How can we keep this hurt indigenous happening? and also how can we repair the relationship as soon as it has actually been damaged—or we’ve damaged it?
Teaching friend those tricks is the focus of this book. You deserve to learn why you execute the points you do. And also you can learn to build and also maintain—or restore and also maintain—strong, nurturing, loving relationships with the human being closest to you. It is what God has intended for you all along.The Desire for Intimacy
When God gone into the Garden and called out, Adam, where room you? God currently knew what had happened and also where Adam to be hiding. Yet He to be inviting Adam to walk with Him—to continue to it is in in relationship with Him. And, as counselors, we an alert that part of the story the most: not the eating-the-apple part, however God’s desire because that intimacy with us. The Genesis account of development reminds united state not just of the power of oh my gosh love and of love itself but also of the reality that He’s provided us other intimate relationships like those with our spouses, ours children, our parents—people to be there because that us with thick and thin—to assist fill ours hearts and also satisfy our longing because that love.
Unfortunately, so lot today competes because that our relationships and also tears at our love. With time our vital relationships can sour and also become serious flawed. Together our relationships sour, our sense of well-being have the right to sour as well. Filled v hurt, and maybe handling a feeling of rejection and also aloneness together well, we pull inward to protect our hearts. We start to street ourselves from the world we care around most. Empty and desperate, we shot to fill the feet in our souls v things prefer work, play, or entertainment, things which may end up being other lover that offer us purpose, meaning, and also value. Together one way observer noted, contemporary man is drinking and drugging himself the end of awareness, or he spends his time shopping, which is the exact same thing.
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¹ before long, we discover ourselves intensifying our aloneness, magnifying our damaged selves, and also maybe also denying our God and causing more hurt to the people we care around most.
Why do we do the things we do? all of us reason pain in relationships and experience it—and we can’t assist ourselves. And we keep going back for more! The persistent person cry is because that someone come love us. Our need for connection is even much more powerful 보다 our need for food.
Understanding what you contribute (consciously and also unconsciously) to her relationships and also then getting insight right into what the people you care about are contributing to those relationships—this understanding is vital to unlocking the tricks to loving and also lasting relationships. Offering you that vital is our goal in Why You do the points You Do.
We’ve introduced you to Mike and also Sandra, one partnership that is feeling the pressure and also strain of world trying to get along. Together their story unfolds in this book, we’ll show you how seeds planted early and also throughout their resides matured into these frightening and deeply disastrous moments—and seeds like that space planted in every one of us and also are at job-related in all of us. We’ll additionally follow Mike and Sandra—and others—as they journey towards a much better place.Abandoned Parent, Abandoned son
Two of those others room Hannah and her seven-year-old son, Darcy. He come for counseling about a month after that started second grade, a notorious time for behavior problems to surface ar in children. Hannah to be twenty-six and blonde; she wore slacks and an untucked blue blouse. Built like a bear cub, Darcy had actually dark hair, broad shoulders, and busy, fast-moving hands.
Hannah was a single mother. My divorce came to be final just three months ago, she said. Mine ex lives in Florida now. He’s training to it is in a police officer there. He’s likewise got a brand-new honey and also rarely look at Darcy anymore. The girlfriend has actually a baby that takes all his time.
She shook her head. No, however he treats it prefer it is. She offered Darcy a concerned glance and also went on. I’m a nurse. In the emergency room, the ER. Choose on the old TV show. I’m babbling, aren’t I? She take it a deep breath to patience herself. Climate she slumped. I’m just overwhelmed. I’ve got people bleeding almost everywhere me throughout the day and sometimes fifty percent the night, and also I’ve gained Darcy screaming in ~ me once I’m home.
That sounds overwhelming. Just how does it happen that Darcy end up screaming at you?
He just won’t perform what he’s told, she explained. I come residence exhausted and ask him to pick up his playthings or his dirty clothes, and he explodes. She sighed as if simply thinking around it were tiring. "He’s so angry all the time. He talks back, throws tantrums—even kicks things. And also he argues around everything. It rained the various other day. I asked him to put on his jacket before going out, and also we finished up in a huge battle. ‘I don’t want to wear a jacket!’ that screamed. ‘But it’s raining,’ i said. ‘Who cares?’ he said. That just suggests to argue.
"And he says with other adults, not simply me. My next-door neighbor it s okay the brunt that it: ‘Don’t swing on that branch; it’ll break,’ she’ll say to him. ‘I’ll waver if i wanna,’ the yells back at her. ‘Don’t litter that sphere so near to my house. You’ll rest a window.’ ‘I won’t break no window.’ ‘Don’t litter the ball.’ and he just itches to save throwing the ball. He is annoying me—purposely stroked nerves me—and i’m exhausted. I’m tired from work, and also then ns go home and walk into this hurricane. Right away we’re both yelling—but no one can hear.
"And Darcy walked over to a kindergartner the various other day at school and stepped on his lunch. Mashed both the sandwich and the Twinkies. It to be the 3rd time in the last 6 weeks or so that he’s ruined another kid’s lunch. And also yesterday the deliberately wrote on a small girl’s white dress with a black color marker— and also he composed A-C-B. That couldn’t also get the alphabet right. That’s among the factors we’re here. The college told me I necessary to have him evaluated."Helping a child Feel Loved and Cared because that
We strongly think that, before more structured behavioral techniques are supplied to assist a defiant child, the parent-child connection must an initial improve. Clearly—and understandably—Darcy to be filled v a lot of anger. If a boy is angry, if the feels unloved and also uncared for, no parenting technique can make him behave. So, to help improve Hannah and also Darcy’s relationship, we assigned them unique times.²
Special time is playtime that parents intentionally invest in their child, and it is entirely command free. Parents room not permitted to provide their child any kind of commands or suggestions. If girlfriend say, let’s play army, you simply blew it. A parental in command-free time is favor an announcer in ~ a steed race: You’re involved in the moment in addition to your child. You’re watching, describing, being with, but you’re giving no commands and offering no suggestions. None. And we want Hannah to invest one-on-one time v Darcy because that twenty to thirty minutes at a time.
In ours counseling exercise we have seen phenomenal results from unique time. But this type of relating deserve to be challenging for parental who may not be offered to connecting with their youngsters during playtime. And also what provides it also more complicated for parental is the they need to refrain from asking intrusive questions or offering commands. Hannah had actually to let Darcy take the lead, and she had actually to follow him. If that should become excessively disruptive throughout special time, she to be to merely stop playing and also return later. Of course she i will not ~ tolerate i can not accept behavior.
When lock arrived because that their next session, Hannah admitted the she hadn’t discovered time in the vault week to do day-to-day special times. She had been also busy. Mine life is for this reason crazy, she said. And anyway, what room we claimed to do throughout special times? She had tried once, she said, yet it had turned right into a vast battle.
After just a few chaotic minutes, she had actually angrily withdrawn native the activity.
Let’s execute special time right here in the office, we suggested. Return we observed the reluctance in Hannah’s eyes, she agreed, and also a couple of minutes later on she and Darcy to be on the floor of our playroom. Hannah make the efforts to begin out top top a optimistic note, however then Darcy took off throughout the floor through a warm Wheels car. Hannah, unwilling to follow him, referred to as him back. You’re constantly doing that, she accused. I’m no going to run all over the ar after you. Unexpectedly he turned, looked at she for an instant, and then moved the vehicle at her. The slid throughout the floor favor a hockey puck and also zapped her in the knee. She shoot a piercing glance back at Darcy and also grumbled, "You’d better cut it out—now! "
Darcy turned away from Hannah and played v his car in the corner of the office. Hannah, still remarkable angry, simply stared off into space. This to be a stunning example of anger and also distance between a stressed-out mom and her angry, defiant seven-year-old son.
It would have actually been easy for us to structure Darcy’s difficulty in traditional terms: he’s simply a brat in need of some good, difficult discipline. But we experienced that Darcy’s issues and also his mom’s worries had intersected. She is a solitary mom and also a deserted wife, left behind by a deadbeat husband and also exhausted by she two full time jobs: work-related in the ER and also motherhood. (Later we would find out that she additionally has a harsh background filled with abandonment, anger, and also abuse.) prefer his mother, Darcy has likewise been abandoned. His father has virtually disappeared native his daily life, a case faced through millions of kids in America who live in a residence apart indigenous Dad. Many of them haven’t even seen your dads in the last twelve months.
Overwhelmed by the demands of single motherhood, Hannah to be barely able to muster the energy and focus crucial to acquire dinner on the table, let alone sit under on the floor, go into into Darcy’s world, and also center her fist on him. Obviously, help for Hannah and also Darcy should not only include some new discipline techniques; it likewise must resolve a more central issue.THE an essential ISSUE: CONNECTING WITH civilization
Although these two situations seem different, the restore of every four world we’ve met hinges on the way they prize the complying with questions around the civilization they’re in connection with and around themselves: